Never again

I had  never thought of it in these terms.
But I had to, a couple of days ago.
When I had my two (emergency) C-Sections, I thought all my disappointment and sadness were linked to the fact that I could nurture a baby, I could be a mum but I didn't give birth (Still I think I am a great mum of course!)
Now I know it is not only that.
During my C-Sections, I just realised,  I felt terrified because I couldn't control part of my body and because the part I could control was also numbed in some way by all the anaesthetic. I remember asking for water (and I wasn't allowed) because I felt dry, I felt I was dying, I felt I was going to swallow my own tongue. This wouldn't have happened, but still I was terrified. And my two girls were born when I was filled with this feelings, fear and panic! I felt obviously better as soon as I saw them but fear and panic were there.
A couple of days ago I had a local anaesthetic done because I had to undergo oral surgery (and I had it twice for two consecutive days). It is not the first time. I had local anaesthetic when I was 18 for a little issue and I couldn't move my legs for quite a few hours. And I was fine then. But a few days ago, as soon as the anaesthetic kicked in I panicked. As it had never happened before. I wanted to cry, but I felt it wasn't appropriate as I was an adult sitting on a dentist chair. So I just shivered and waited to be out to let the tears run down.
Then the day after same thing again. But I didn't just cry, I also swore "NEVER AGAIN".
And not because I am scared of the dentist. But because I experienced again that terrible feeling I had in theatre when sectioned for my girls's births. I want a third baby and I want it badly, but God knows how hard I'll try to avoid a C-Section. Epidural? NO THANKS!!! Let me feel every single pain, please. Let me feel that I can do with my body what makes me feel better. Let me be in total control of my body.
How can you make a woman comfortable giving birth if she's not in control of her own body?!!! Someone might not agree, and it is fair. But this is how I see and feel it.
I probably realised better with my "dentist experience" because I wasn't as tired as during labour and there weren't a lot of hormones and feelings and emotions involved, I've been therefore able to "scan" my feeling and emotions" and I realised how scared and terrified I was; and  I now know for sure I won't let this happen, never again!